Monday, October 1, 2012

Shit Just Got Real

On the eve of my 30th birthday, it seemed only fitting that I cross the very last threshold into the Land of Bona Fide Grownups. My first assigned task in Adult Town involved just enough money to cause serious second thoughts and give me a stomachache. Also, I cried the whole way home.

It is a gorgeous new necklace or pair of diamond earrings? Maybe those $600 riding boots I've been eyeing? Or maybe I finally went out and bought every Cuisinart and KitchenAid appliance I've ever wanted? Of course I deserve all of those things, but I went bigger. Much bigger. Think: living room. As in, Living Room on Wheels.

That's right, I bought a minivan. A full-fledged-soccer-momming-grocery-getting-zero-sex-appeal-inducing-kid-pleasing-ego-murdering Chrysler Town & Country. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, so I've been doing a pretty solid job of both.

I could go on for days about how comfortable and practical it is, how much the kids love it and how nice it'll be for long trips in the car. But that only adds to the stark reality that is the loss of my twenties, my "carefree" twenties that I packed full of every life experience possible:

20-22: Just a lot of floundering and a general search for purpose. I am bad at this.
23: Started dating the man who would become my now-ex husband. Aim high, ladies!
24: Married that man. (my inner monologue on the way down the aisle: "This will not end well.")
25: Gave birth to my sweet, firstborn son. *win*
26: Gave birth to my beautiful daughter. *win*
27: Gave birth to my littlest and last babe. *win*
28: Got divorced. True to form, it Did Not End Well.
29: Had a hysterectomy. Take that, Tampax and Midol!
29+++: Bought the damn van and left behind life as I know it.

It was every bit as crazy as it looks, and then some. Though with all that in my past, my thirties can only bring calm, right? Because that's what I'm telling myself. Over and over again I tell myself that 30 is good. Thirty is peaceful. Thirty is forward motion. Thirty is the *Decade of You*! Right? RIGHT?!


  1. You're thirties will be amazing. I can just feel it.

    And don't worry about the minivan. Once you get over the feeling that you're driving a boat, they're pretty sweet. Well, as sweet as a minivan can be. ;)

  2. Thirties are awesome!!! And so are minivans.

    Happy Birthday :)

  3. When I'm having a crappy day, I can always come to your blog and get cheered up. Thanks for writing about real life in such a way that causes my to laugh til I pee!

  4. I'm writing to you from your future:

    And then there comes a stage of life where you realize your kids have outgrown the need for a mini-van. You shed it. You get a "regular" car. You love the move back to a "regular" car. Perhaps, deep down, you feel a little melancholy that the mini-van stage of life is over.