Pity? Party of One...

Yes, I'm having a total pity party for myself today and I think I deserve it. I had my ex-husband and his girlfriend over for dinner tonight. I wanted to clear the air of some serious missteps on her part and discuss parenting boundaries with the hope that we can all move forward and create a great environment in which to raise my three babes. Dinner was delicious - wild sockeye salmon with dill, caesar salad, ciabatta rolls with dill butter and dairy-free chocolate cake for dessert, thoughtfully provided by said girlfriend.

I asked the ex to do baths and bedtime with the kiddos and he came down no less than six times to make certain I wasn't beating his 6'2" girlfriend or berating her while holding her down and spitting in her eyes. Rest assured, I didn't have time enough to fit any of those things in. I had what I thought to be a perfectly civil, honest and open come-to-Jesus talk with her about some of the seriously bad choices/decisions she's made since arriving in our lives, mere weeks before I delivered our third child and several months before my ex and I separated. I wasn't confrontational, rude or unkind in any way. The sheer horror of welcoming this person into my home, my haven, and making her a meal to enjoy with my family and ex-husband was enough to take any fight out of me.

While tidying up after dinner I explain my position and how I'd like to move forward so that my children can benefit from and not be upset by the new reality of our family. And while it felt good to say what I'd been rehearsing for three days straight it would have been much more gratifying to have actually received some feedback. New girl sat with my baby boy in her lap while I swept and prattled on and she never once made any attempt to clarify her past actions or acknowledge my concerns and wishes.

Leah, Brick wall; brick wall, Leah. Eventually I got about 45 seconds of comment from her, including mention of her sister who is also a single mom and how she knows more about my position as the ex-wife than her own position as new girlfriend. Then what the hell are you doing?!?! Lemme tell ya, your sister sure isn't doing you any favors if she's whispering in your ear advice for how not to enrage your boyfriend's second ex-wife.

When the evening was reaching its' end I found myself having said what I needed to say with absolutely no idea if my words had been heard, will be heeded or merely discarded as the rantings of a crazy ex-wife. At any rate, I tried. I want my children to grow up with a loving, supportive family - no matter the make-up of said family - and my pride aside, I'll do what it takes to make that happen.

That said, I'm pretty sure I don't have the strength for any more "family dinners." I am physically and emotionally drained, exhausted, spent... I should cry but I don't even have the strength to make that happen. I'm lonely and never have I been more aware of my new status as divorcee. There's nothing like watching your ex-husband (jackass though he may be) leave your home with another woman as you turn back to your own empty living room. No one to review the night with, no one to fold me up in a big hug and tell me I was great and dinner was delicious. Yuck, blech, ugh, gross. I don't want him back, not for a minute, not for all the money in the world; I know that I deserve better. But Better, are you out there?